It's been a long time

I've really wanted to blog.  I think of it almost everyday.  I felt like I had to do it and that made it stressful.  So what did I do?  Take about 5 months off.  I still posted a few of the Memory Monday blogs but just didn't feel like I could form a thought that would sound good enough to write here. 

So what has been happening with me?  I started grief counseling (again).  This is the fourth person that I have seen since Jack died.  This time it clicked, I really like her.  She said that when I was ready, the teacher would appear.  I was definitely ready.  I got through his birthday with ease.  To me that was to celebrate Jack and it wasn't a day that was hard to get through.  But then came July 1st.  I dreaded that day.  I dreaded it so much.  How could a year have already gone by?  That is when I realized that I needed help.  To get things off my chest and attempt to feel normal again.  If that was even possible.  My normal now is just different.  I still get up everyday, take care of Sarah, clean, go to work.  But it's different.  Jack isn't here, so I'm always missing a part of me.

It's so hard to describe the feeling of grief.  It sucks the breath right out of me sometimes and other moments are easy to get through.  The other day at the park I was watching Sarah interact with the other kids and I felt it.  Something off and then I realized that I was missing Jack.  He would have loved to spend time at the park with Sarah, enjoy the wind and sun.  I found myself gazing off, thinking of him.  Then Sarah said mommy and that snapped me back in the moment with her.  It was a nice to be able to come back to reality so smoothly (with the help of Sarah).

In the past 5 months so much has happened that I would love to catch up but I just don't know if it will happen.  I will post more often.  I have many things that I have talked about with the grief counselor and we both agree that I should put these thoughts on here.  It may help someone else going through a similar situation.