It's been a long time

I've really wanted to blog.  I think of it almost everyday.  I felt like I had to do it and that made it stressful.  So what did I do?  Take about 5 months off.  I still posted a few of the Memory Monday blogs but just didn't feel like I could form a thought that would sound good enough to write here. 

So what has been happening with me?  I started grief counseling (again).  This is the fourth person that I have seen since Jack died.  This time it clicked, I really like her.  She said that when I was ready, the teacher would appear.  I was definitely ready.  I got through his birthday with ease.  To me that was to celebrate Jack and it wasn't a day that was hard to get through.  But then came July 1st.  I dreaded that day.  I dreaded it so much.  How could a year have already gone by?  That is when I realized that I needed help.  To get things off my chest and attempt to feel normal again.  If that was even possible.  My normal now is just different.  I still get up everyday, take care of Sarah, clean, go to work.  But it's different.  Jack isn't here, so I'm always missing a part of me.

It's so hard to describe the feeling of grief.  It sucks the breath right out of me sometimes and other moments are easy to get through.  The other day at the park I was watching Sarah interact with the other kids and I felt it.  Something off and then I realized that I was missing Jack.  He would have loved to spend time at the park with Sarah, enjoy the wind and sun.  I found myself gazing off, thinking of him.  Then Sarah said mommy and that snapped me back in the moment with her.  It was a nice to be able to come back to reality so smoothly (with the help of Sarah).

In the past 5 months so much has happened that I would love to catch up but I just don't know if it will happen.  I will post more often.  I have many things that I have talked about with the grief counselor and we both agree that I should put these thoughts on here.  It may help someone else going through a similar situation. 

Harder

John and I went to see a social worker a week after Jack passed. He told us that we were still in shock and we wouldn't thaw out until at least 3 months. Well, three months came and went and I thought I was doing pretty good. We had a lot going on with the upcoming move and working again. So now at 6 months I can say that I am not frozen anymore. And it sucks. It got worse around the holidays and has hung around.

Christmas was hard then seeing the boys was hard. They would give Jack so much attention and he would love it. Talking to them and smiling so much. He loved when they were with us and would brighten up as soon as he saw them.

I went to the store last night and Sarah and John stayed home. While walking through the store Jack crossed my mind and I got a lump in my throat when I thought about not being able to kiss his cheek when I got home. That was always the first thing I would do as soon as I walked in the door. But who wouldn't want to kiss those cheeks!

So it's been six month and it hasn't gotten any easier for me.  It's almost harder.  The realization is just now hitting me that I won't get to hold him again.

 

**I wrote this a couple of months ago and it just sat here.  I guess I needed time to process and make sure that I really wanted to post it.  Since I haven't written in a while I will just do that.  Post it.  Today is no easier.  I heard a song today that a friend posted on FB.  You talk about hard to listen to.  It was perfect but so sad.  Click HERE to listen but I will warn you it made me cry.  Just thinking about it makes me tear up again. 

 

Is a minute really enough?  I will not be able to answer that.  To be able to touch his sweet face and feel his weight on me.  I miss you so much little man!