Tuesday, September 24, 2013

It's been a long time

I've really wanted to blog.  I think of it almost everyday.  I felt like I had to do it and that made it stressful.  So what did I do?  Take about 5 months off.  I still posted a few of the Memory Monday blogs but just didn't feel like I could form a thought that would sound good enough to write here. 
So what has been happening with me?  I started grief counseling (again).  This is the fourth person that I have seen since Jack died.  This time it clicked, I really like her.  She said that when I was ready, the teacher would appear.  I was definitely ready.  I got through his birthday with ease.  To me that was to celebrate Jack and it wasn't a day that was hard to get through.  But then came July 1st.  I dreaded that day.  I dreaded it so much.  How could a year have already gone by?  That is when I realized that I needed help.  To get things off my chest and attempt to feel normal again.  If that was even possible.  My normal now is just different.  I still get up everyday, take care of Sarah, clean, go to work.  But it's different.  Jack isn't here, so I'm always missing a part of me.
It's so hard to describe the feeling of grief.  It sucks the breath right out of me sometimes and other moments are easy to get through.  The other day at the park I was watching Sarah interact with the other kids and I felt it.  Something off and then I realized that I was missing Jack.  He would have loved to spend time at the park with Sarah, enjoy the wind and sun.  I found myself gazing off, thinking of him.  Then Sarah said mommy and that snapped me back in the moment with her.  It was a nice to be able to come back to reality so smoothly (with the help of Sarah).
In the past 5 months so much has happened that I would love to catch up but I just don't know if it will happen.  I will post more often.  I have many things that I have talked about with the grief counselor and we both agree that I should put these thoughts on here.  It may help someone else going through a similar situation. 

I got to touch him

I had this dream in September of this year:
I was in my work clothes running a 5k.  I ran into a friend and she told me that she was pregnant but no one knew and not to put it on Facebook.  I told her that I had gotten off Facebook for a while but I wouldn't tell anyone.  I completed my run and started looking for my hotel.  John and I were both staying in the hotel but had different rooms because he was there for work.  I found John's room and went in.  John and Jack were laying in bed.  Jack looked just like he did when he was alive except his hair was a little shorter.  I went to Jack's side of the bed and noticed that all the sheets were white.  I bent down to touch his face.  I told him that he was beautiful, more beautiful than I remembered.  He looked at me and kind of smiled.  One of his half smiles.
When I woke up I smiled and felt at peace.  I haven't remembered many of my dreams since Jack died.  It was so nice to get to see and touch him.  Even if it was only a dream and very brief.

This was taken in November 2010. 
I remembered taking this after I had my dream.