I did it.

I went back to the hospital where Jack was pronounced dead.  This was the first time and I have been putting it off.  Sarah needed her 12 month shots and I even thought about going somewhere else.  But I did it.  My heart was racing, my hands were sweating and my head felt like it was under water.  I didn't cry and I didn't turn around.  I felt like I've accomplished a lot today. 

Memory Monday ("Great Mom") 9/27/10 - 1

Monday, September 27, 2010

"You're a really great mom"

I had a few things that needed to be fixed in the house today.  The guy that came has been here a few times now and I have told him a little about Jack before.  While he was here I got the delivery from Walgreen's for all of Jack's feeding pump supplies and formula.  He asked how Jack was doing and I told him the truth, that he is 17 months but developmentally he's around 2-3 months but that he just started the ketogenic diet and his seizures have decreased from 50 a day to about 15.  Then I went on to tell him about all the therapies that he has been receiving since he was a month old.  That's when he said it, "you're a really great mom, I don't know how you do it." 

To me it's just what I was meant to do.  I was meant to be Jackson's mom.  (Yes, I got that from Forrest Gump)  To me this is normal.  We might have hard days (or nights) and he can't hold his head up but this is Jackson and I just do what feels right to me.  Love him!

Posted by Tracy at 5:42 PM 0 comments

Labels: Feeding pump, Ketogenic

What to write?

I miss you so much little man.  I've tried to write this blog 5 times but every attempt failed.  My brain is so unorganized.  I'm even wondering if it was too early for me to start writing again.  How can I tell others what I am feeling if I can't even express them to myself.  So until I can get my thoughts organized here are a couple of my favorite pictures of J. 

I love how his hand is on the ottoman.

Snuggling with mommy.  He was in a bad mood that
 night so I picked him and he started smiling.  He
let me know that he wanted to me cuddled.

Bringing back the old

Well it's been almost a year since I have blogged.  The other day I was having a low moment and found myself typing jackspeanut.blogspot.com on my phone.  I knew that the blog didn't exist but I guess I felt comfort in doing it.  The website said that the name was available so I immediately logged back in.  There was nothing saved on here so I am having to start all over.  It's kind of plain right now but I will fix that in time. 

I wanted somewhere to write my thoughts down.  I am also going to have "Memory Mondays" where I post my old blogs that I have saved.  One a week until they are all on here.  This will be a way for me to keep Jack's memory close.  I put Jack's History on the top of the page and will add pages in time.  Right now it's a work in progress, just somewhere for me to organize my thoughts. 

I'm going to keep this blog short and simple.  More to come later.