Harder

John and I went to see a social worker a week after Jack passed. He told us that we were still in shock and we wouldn't thaw out until at least 3 months. Well, three months came and went and I thought I was doing pretty good. We had a lot going on with the upcoming move and working again. So now at 6 months I can say that I am not frozen anymore. And it sucks. It got worse around the holidays and has hung around.

Christmas was hard then seeing the boys was hard. They would give Jack so much attention and he would love it. Talking to them and smiling so much. He loved when they were with us and would brighten up as soon as he saw them.

I went to the store last night and Sarah and John stayed home. While walking through the store Jack crossed my mind and I got a lump in my throat when I thought about not being able to kiss his cheek when I got home. That was always the first thing I would do as soon as I walked in the door. But who wouldn't want to kiss those cheeks!

So it's been six month and it hasn't gotten any easier for me.  It's almost harder.  The realization is just now hitting me that I won't get to hold him again.

 

**I wrote this a couple of months ago and it just sat here.  I guess I needed time to process and make sure that I really wanted to post it.  Since I haven't written in a while I will just do that.  Post it.  Today is no easier.  I heard a song today that a friend posted on FB.  You talk about hard to listen to.  It was perfect but so sad.  Click HERE to listen but I will warn you it made me cry.  Just thinking about it makes me tear up again. 

 

Is a minute really enough?  I will not be able to answer that.  To be able to touch his sweet face and feel his weight on me.  I miss you so much little man!